the upside...

of free falling is the ability of your friends to catch you. and its off to mexico for now

appreciation

now isnt that what its all about?
the understanding of the nature or quality or magnitude of something/one. an expression of gratitude. to be fully aware or sensitive to.
of course it may also refer to the increase in value of an object. versus depreciation where the value of your assets fall over time. how does one determine the value of an object? a person? a relationship? what is your measuring instrument?

a friend of mine once told me of what he was looking for in his next relationship. he named several qualities which he felt were important and amongst them was that he wanted to feel appreciated. i thought about it and decided oh so simple, but oh so true. and so important. i added that to my list as well. even if what the other person is giving you is not what you had in mind- consider the thought behind the gesture.
so many people i have known continue to be in the same relationship with different people where they do not get that feeling of appreciation from the other. they are most resilient in how they continue to choose the same people. why stay? what is it in you that feels the need to punish or depreciate yourself if others do not recognize your worth? whether it be a job or a friendship or a lover.
and how does one get to the point in a relationship where all they see is depreciation? how unhappy are those people that they have forgotten why they are in the same room together?
maybe im an idealist but i truly feel you can never show too much appreciation, you can never say too many thank yous. friends and relatives oft underappreciated, taken for granted because they are there, one has expectations. equally important is the guy at the token booth or the housekeeper who comes around and empties my garbage while im busy doing great works-whatever.

and on the lighter side-- there is the cloud appreciation society whose goal is to fight the banality of blue skies-yes they have a web site. all hail the cumulonimbus.

to my kith, kin and blog mates-i truly do, sincerely, appreciate y'all.

actions, words, and inactions

actions speak louder than words people say. well i would tend to agree with such a bold statement. how seriously can you take someone if they say one thing and do nothing? whether it be a punishment or a pleasure that is offered, promised or threatened-if it does not arrive that is the equivalent of empty promises and respect, fear, admiration, or loyalty is lost.
the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and if there is a history of standing still in the past well then, theres your answer. inertia is not a good character trait to have, under any circumstances.
people are sometimes scared to act, to confront. some feel if they just ignore the problem it will go away or resolve itself. this is true but twisted. all bleeding eventually stops-think about it.
uncertainty is a given in this universe. sometimes one must act with certainity even though the basis for your actions is uncertainity. one makes decisions based on incomplete information. whether youre a doctor, a general, a truck driver or a parent. you never know whats behind that corner. (its the journey-a wise friend once told me)
while actions may speak louder than words, inactions are the scream heard round the world.

the illumination is not worth the candle

so most of us get by by not seeing things too clearly. everything is a little blurred but, being always this way, people dont notice it and we say that each of them is a picture of mental health. (from 7 types of ambuiguity by elliot perlman)

which brings us back to that old joke--whats the largest river in egypt? de-nile.
but wasnt my friends brother or my sister worth a candle or two? m abusing herself, or g driven to hang himself by the fsb(the new kgb) or the many others whose lives have intersected with mine in one way or another-were they not worth a stick of wax? people spiralling or sometimes not moving at all. i see them at work, i see them at play. who the fuck is in control of the matches here? lives wasted, tortured, so much pain, indescribable. please look, look closely.
i feel the ache in my belly as i write this.

this is your life and its ending one minute at a time-fight club

marathon

training sucks, nuff said.

abbey road?

thats entertainment

so last sat neal and i attend the world sumo wrestling challenge aka the battle of the giants at madison square garden. 24 wrestlers from 10 countries. yeah whatever- youre just jealous. it was a glorious if informal affair-extra large men with questionable gland problems in colorful thong underwear-a cant miss, win/win situation for us. the loser is the first one to step outside the designated circle they are wrestling in, or the first one to fall. actually the thongs are called mawashi and it is a thick belt to protect the genitals but also offers something for the other wrestler to grapple with, or grab onto.
seeing two large individuals scantily clad trying to push one another over or just circling around the ring while they bitch slap each other is an awesome way to spend a sat night. difficult to know who to cheer for but we usually picked the larger guy. some other exceptional fights were outside the ring around the concession stand but thats another tale involving liquor. hey free tickets are free tickets.
my friend who grew up in japan related to me a story of being taken to a sumo stable for a class trip. 20 kindergarten children pile unto one sumo wrestler and try to overpower him- if i couldva been a fly on the wall..and then they all sit down to lunch together- of course.
interestingly enough the runner up received only 5 grand as his prize which we collectively booed at and the winner, a baby faced japanese received 10 grand to which we again voiced our dissatification. not enough for lunches, neal said.

my friend m tells me that sumo wrestling is fixed- go take a look at that freakonomics book he says-damm i say, is nothing sacred?

fundamentalism..

..be it religious or of the market variety, is everywhere, and everywhere there is a reaction to complexity, an attempt to ignore the contradictions and conundrums of our existence. people crave the simplicity of easily assimilated black & white paradigms and any blurring, any ambiguity, is viewed with hostility. (from 7 types of ambiguity by elliot perlman-great book-recently finished it)

'happiness

is an imaginary condition, formerly often attributed by the living to the dead, now attributed by adults to children and by children to adults'
thomas szasz

i am quite satisfied with being content but sometimes i cant help myself, i get happy-maybe i just have a good imagination..

closure

what does it mean and why do i crave it so badly? to the point of initiating it just so i can achieve control over the situation; the relationship, the job, the apartment. i move so often in all aspects of my life - what the hell am i trying to avoid? although i have gotten better... over a year in the same job and can actually anticipate being there for a few years. and its a great job that i love but i get viscerally uncomfortable when i think of being there for say- five years- its a lifetime- it feels like. why am i like this? my parents have been together since the stone age-whether or not they should have stayed together is an entirely different matter altogether. they have been in their house and jobs long- term, so i cant say i have had no stabilizing influences in my life. when does it stop? shouldnt i look for the one great guy to settle down with? or settle for? when i was younger i used to read alot more and used to love getting to the end of the book. even if the book was bad i would always finish it. i had to know the end. i had to finish it off. so in my own unique pathology i have to know the ending of things and to control it, i end it myself. damm i am so immature.