lemonsqueeze

the upside...

2006-03-16T11:24:00.000-04:00

of free falling is the ability of your friends to catch you.
and its off to mexico for now

appreciation

2006-01-25T02:14:00.000-04:00

now isnt that what its all about?
the understanding of the nature or quality or magnitude of something/one. an expression of gratitude. to be fully aware or sensitive to.
of course it may also refer to the increase in value of an object. versus depreciation where the value of your assets fall over time. how does one determine the value of an object? a person? a relationship? what is your measuring instrument?

a friend of mine once told me of what he was looking for in his next relationship. he named several qualities which he felt were important and amongst them was that he wanted to feel appreciated. i thought about it and decided oh so simple, but oh so true. and so important. i added that to my list as well. even if what the other person is giving you is not what you had in mind- consider the thought behind the gesture.
so many people i have known continue to be in the same relationship with different people where they do not get that feeling of appreciation from the other. they are most resilient in how they continue to choose the same people. why stay? what is it in you that feels the need to punish or depreciate yourself if others do not recognize your worth? whether it be a job or a friendship or a lover.
and how does one get to the point in a relationship where all they see is depreciation? how unhappy are those people that they have forgotten why they are in the same room together?
maybe im an idealist but i truly feel you can never show too much appreciation, you can never say too many thank yous. friends and relatives oft underappreciated, taken for granted because they are there, one has expectations. equally important is the guy at the token booth or the housekeeper who comes around and empties my garbage while im busy doing great works-whatever.

and on the lighter side-- there is the cloud appreciation society whose goal is to fight the banality of blue skies-yes they have a web site. all hail the cumulonimbus.

to my kith, kin and blog mates-i truly do, sincerely, appreciate y'all.

actions, words, and inactions

2006-01-22T03:00:00.000-04:00

actions speak louder than words people say. well i would tend to agree with such a bold statement. how seriously can you take someone if they say one thing and do nothing? whether it be a punishment or a pleasure that is offered, promised or threatened-if it does not arrive that is the equivalent of empty promises and respect, fear, admiration, or loyalty is lost.
the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and if there is a history of standing still in the past well then, theres your answer. inertia is not a good character trait to have, under any circumstances.
people are sometimes scared to act, to confront. some feel if they just ignore the problem it will go away or resolve itself. this is true but twisted. all bleeding eventually stops-think about it.
uncertainty is a given in this universe. sometimes one must act with certainity even though the basis for your actions is uncertainity. one makes decisions based on incomplete information. whether youre a doctor, a general, a truck driver or a parent. you never know whats behind that corner. (its the journey-a wise friend once told me)
while actions may speak louder than words, inactions are the scream heard round the world.

the illumination is not worth the candle

2005-11-01T15:36:00.000-04:00

so most of us get by by not seeing things too clearly. everything is a little blurred but, being always this way, people dont notice it and we say that each of them is a picture of mental health. (from 7 types of ambuiguity by elliot perlman)

which brings us back to that old joke--whats the largest river in egypt? de-nile.
but wasnt my friends brother or my sister worth a candle or two? m abusing herself, or g driven to hang himself by the fsb(the new kgb) or the many others whose lives have intersected with mine in one way or another-were they not worth a stick of wax? people spiralling or sometimes not moving at all. i see them at work, i see them at play. who the fuck is in control of the matches here? lives wasted, tortured, so much pain, indescribable. please look, look closely.
i feel the ache in my belly as i write this.

this is your life and its ending one minute at a time-fight club

marathon

2005-11-01T12:03:00.000-04:00

training sucks, nuff said.

abbey road?

2005-10-28T14:37:00.000-04:00

thats entertainment

2005-10-28T09:22:00.000-04:00

so last sat neal and i attend the world sumo wrestling challenge aka the battle of the giants at madison square garden. 24 wrestlers from 10 countries. yeah whatever- youre just jealous. it was a glorious if informal affair-extra large men with questionable gland problems in colorful thong underwear-a cant miss, win/win situation for us. the loser is the first one to step outside the designated circle they are wrestling in, or the first one to fall. actually the thongs are called mawashi and it is a thick belt to protect the genitals but also offers something for the other wrestler to grapple with, or grab onto.
seeing two large individuals scantily clad trying to push one another over or just circling around the ring while they bitch slap each other is an awesome way to spend a sat night. difficult to know who to cheer for but we usually picked the larger guy. some other exceptional fights were outside the ring around the concession stand but thats another tale involving liquor. hey free tickets are free tickets.
my friend who grew up in japan related to me a story of being taken to a sumo stable for a class trip. 20 kindergarten children pile unto one sumo wrestler and try to overpower him- if i couldva been a fly on the wall..and then they all sit down to lunch together- of course.
interestingly enough the runner up received only 5 grand as his prize which we collectively booed at and the winner, a baby faced japanese received 10 grand to which we again voiced our dissatification. not enough for lunches, neal said.

my friend m tells me that sumo wrestling is fixed- go take a look at that freakonomics book he says-damm i say, is nothing sacred?

fundamentalism..

2005-10-28T08:27:00.000-04:00

..be it religious or of the market variety, is everywhere, and everywhere there is a reaction to complexity, an attempt to ignore the contradictions and conundrums of our existence. people crave the simplicity of easily assimilated black & white paradigms and any blurring, any ambiguity, is viewed with hostility. (from 7 types of ambiguity by elliot perlman-great book-recently finished it)

'happiness

2005-10-27T00:34:00.000-04:00

is an imaginary condition, formerly often attributed by the living to the dead, now attributed by adults to children and by children to adults'
thomas szasz

i am quite satisfied with being content but sometimes i cant help myself, i get happy-maybe i just have a good imagination..

closure

2005-10-19T12:22:00.000-04:00

what does it mean and why do i crave it so badly? to the point of initiating it just so i can achieve control over the situation; the relationship, the job, the apartment. i move so often in all aspects of my life - what the hell am i trying to avoid? although i have gotten better... over a year in the same job and can actually anticipate being there for a few years. and its a great job that i love but i get viscerally uncomfortable when i think of being there for say- five years- its a lifetime- it feels like. why am i like this? my parents have been together since the stone age-whether or not they should have stayed together is an entirely different matter altogether. they have been in their house and jobs long- term, so i cant say i have had no stabilizing influences in my life. when does it stop? shouldnt i look for the one great guy to settle down with? or settle for? when i was younger i used to read alot more and used to love getting to the end of the book. even if the book was bad i would always finish it. i had to know the end. i had to finish it off. so in my own unique pathology i have to know the ending of things and to control it, i end it myself. damm i am so immature.

images

2005-10-04T08:41:00.000-04:00

syn-gene-so-phobia

2005-10-03T10:14:00.000-04:00

fear of relatives-
family dinner tonight, actually they are pretty cool and interesting and they continue to put up with me which is a task in itself...free food!

scent

2005-10-01T15:09:00.000-04:00

so i head to the whole foods market to replenish, restock and to cease and desist from living off the good will of others who have been feeding me for the last 10 days, okay two weeks. standing on line- a familiar stimulation to the olfactory nerve --the guy in front of moi has the distinct scent of an old boyfriend. i inhale deeply, remembering. clearly, visually it is not him. but if i close my eyes...a flood of memories both good and great wash over me. why did i break up with him? twice in fact. more memories. what was that feeling? oh yeah, bittersweet...
....
..

faces

2005-10-01T13:05:00.000-04:00

to the galapogos and back-part 1

2005-09-23T06:11:00.000-04:00

first in quito, ecuador the capital city where me and Y- a friend from grad school decide to hire a guide/driver to take us to octavalo which is 2 hours away. we get mil-ton. mil-ton is quite friendly and knowledgable in his hyundai suv and off we are to octavalo. he is also under the impression from the scattering of spanish i speak that i am fluent. i deny this but mil-ton just looks at me with this sad face and says why you lie to me? Y rolls her eyes in the back seat. i had noticed a faint whiff of alcohol but decided to ignore it or rather deny it- its 10am and i must be mistaken. after arriving in octavalo we decide we will meet in an hour and when we regroup its obvious that mil-ton drank his lunch. can i drive i ask. only if you speak spanish to me- you are so-o beau-ti-ful when you speak spanish. si i say, no problemo as i slide into the drivers seat. are you mad at me? dont be mad at me? mil-ton babbles. omigod so this is what marriage feels like- i feel trapped. i start to talk to him in my 12 words of fluent turkish for spite. are you mad at me? he says. for 2 hours on the way home in between dosing off and asking me to commit to him, i get a barage of personal questions. i invent things. i work for the government i tell mil-ton. i cant tell you exactly what i do for then i would have to kill you. and any family members that you care about. i still like you he says...

galapogos islands

2005-09-23T01:31:00.000-04:00

i'll sleep when im dead

2005-09-23T00:53:00.000-04:00

always loved that saying and always tried to live by it- i mean i will never get today back no matter how long i live. so i try to say yes to as many things as possible. but sometimes sleep overtakes the best of us, or even me and i dose off in inappropriate spots/times. be that as it may, this is not about sleep -its about the lack thereof. being up for 26 hours in a row, and trying to hurry to get to the airport does not make the best alignment of stars and of this i was rudely, expensively made aware of. CRASH as i plowed into the back of a 2005 suv. fuck i said along with the six other george carlin words. damm im gonna miss my plane ran through my head as i got out of the car and apologized profusely and repetitively to the point of perseveration to the driver in front of me. my first real car-- a 97 honda civic-- was deceased. it stood no chance against his. he took photos. i apologized. he said he was late for his tennis appt. i apologized again. my social skills became real focused and narrow. i apologized. i called my insurance company. she asked me which insurance he carried. i said i didnt get that information. i apologized again. i slept on the plane...

sally lightfoot crab

2005-09-21T10:37:00.000-04:00

where was i the last 10 days?

2005-09-21T10:23:00.000-04:00

sheep

2005-09-08T06:56:00.000-04:00

Why of course the people don't want war....That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."

Hermann Goering
(Nazi officer, during his Nuremberg war crimes trial)

disable

2005-09-06T17:21:00.000-04:00

interesting term.
a person can be disabled, or you can disable a bomb or an electric circuit.
disable- to weaken or destroy the normal physical or mental abilities of; incapacitate.
when i was younger the neighborhood bully would disable me by throwing me on the ground and sitting on my chest. now that i am an adult (and he is in jail), i sometimes disable myself when i imbibe too much alcohol. i am disabled when i am sick or emotionally drained and unable to function at my optimum. all of us are disabled at one time or another to a greater or lesser extent, acutely or chronically (see bush, george w).
i have no great words regarding people who are more permanently effected by the vagaries or brutalities of life. my friend who has just had a stroke is now beginning to sense how disabled she is. previously too confused to process what was happening to her she was almost comedic in her conversation. now that some of her circuitry has been taken over by other sections of her brain, she is beginning to understand what has transpired and what she has lost. she is tearful and scared and disabled. as my cousin (previously disabled from crack and crack hos and having lost almost everything except a very few understanding kith and kin- but thats another blog- and is now climbing his way back out of the primordial sludge) says 'life is arbitrary, brutal, and short' sounds pessimistic and upon first glance it may appear so but i look at his statement as realistic and therefore all the more justification for living as thoroughly as i can. i am learning everyday how much i have.

trapped

2005-09-01T22:37:00.000-04:00

so i sit on hold (47min) with violent thoughts bubbling thru my grey matter thinking of how to malign small animals, taunt the disabled or influence the formative years of small children (in an evil way of course) -but i cant leave the phone....(49min) and i think i should just get a big leaf to fan myself when they shut the electricity off...i despise them.

electricity

2005-09-01T21:59:00.000-04:00

well i guess i need it, i mean i guess i could do without the lights and fridge and all but i surely couldnt give up my ac or my stereo. so im awaiting on disco? music hold (due to heavy call volume my wait is estimated at a mere 25 min- so i say- what a nice time to blog!) for a con edison rep to get on the phone and exchange words with me about how there are going to cut me off if i dont pay the bill...threats, threats, and promises....i am only motivated to do something about this bec they gave me a deadline. its not that i dont want to pay my bill- believe me i do -yup sure do- but i think they seemed to have switched accounts on me. my friend ben in grad school however could not pay his bill bec he had no money- we never quite figured out where it all went- but it was grad school and there wasnt much to go around. so we lent him a flashlight so he could find his way around his dorm room at night, ben the autistic savant, brillant but oh so off kilter. what does kilter mean anyway? having time and willing to save y'all the trouble... kilter-good condition, proper form. and ben is certainly the poster boy for off kilter. lets see what to do with the other 23 remaining min? 3 of my friends are in the hurricane katrina quagmire. and if you look at the definition of the word it truly fits both ways- 1.land with a soft or muddy surface that yields when stepped on. 2. a difficult or precarious situation. one of them is a physician who is staying in mississsippi to help out. and those people really need electricity more than me. then theres my 35 y.o. friend with the stroke who had a second stroke in the hospital yesterday. hopefully only a small setback in her road to recovery- but crap, yesterday on the neuro icu, seeing her i really felt like crying. realizing it wouldnt do any good, i didnt. instead i just dealt with the tsunami of nausea recognizing the vulnerability of us. Buckminster Fuller said 'sometimes i think we're alone, sometimes i think we're not. in either case the thought is staggering.' phenomenal man, phenomenal life if you ever want to look him up. those #$%&*$*@!! 34 min on hold!!

tonics

2005-08-30T22:41:00.000-04:00

laughing is a tonic, so forget crying
cry and you cry alone
laugh and you...cry alone later
-christopher durang
'laughing wild'

teratophobia

2005-08-29T16:58:00.000-04:00

Definition: a fear of monsters; a fear of having a deformed child
Etymology: Greek teras `monster'
just thought it was an interesting word..

ockham's razor

2005-08-29T16:39:00.000-04:00

william ockham- 14th century friar and logician
an explanation for unknown phenomena should first be attempted in terms of what is already known.
when you hear hoofbeats, think horses not zebras
see also- KISS principle
which brings me to my friend in the hospital, young and healthy who had a stroke over the weekend. briefly put, it just seems they are not following the principle of parsimony and things are getting rather messy. sending waves of good karma in her direction...

strength

2005-08-29T16:36:00.000-04:00

'moderate strength is shown in violence, supreme strength is shown in levity'
G.K.Chesterton
sometimes i feel weaker than i know myself to be.

decisions

2005-08-26T09:20:00.000-04:00

the choices we make for better or worse, define who we are. or as i read the other day- 'many roads take us from our intended destination and lead us where we didnt know'

assassination versus dining out

2005-08-26T08:55:00.000-04:00

so the prominent bush backer and founder of the christian coalition, conservative pat robertson states on his '700 club' show the other day (in reference to venezuelan president hugo chavez)'i dont know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him i think we really ought to go ahead and do it...we have the ability to take him out and i think the time has come that we exercise that ability. its a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with.'

lovely, cant you just feel the warm, fuzzy emanating from this mans soul?
in response to the unpredicated backlash, robertson, whose remarks obviously were taped took the low road once again , having learnt something from the bush adminstration, (deny, deny, deny--he has referred to bush as being blessed by god) 'i didnt say assassinate, i said our special forces should 'take him out'. that could be a number of things including kidnapping' (or to dinner as i myself frequently use the same expression)

the bush adminstration deemed his remarks as inappropriate- well theres the understatement of the year. robertson is the same man who stated that liberal judges were a bigger threat to america than the 9/11 terrorists.
but needing the vote of the evangelical christians in 2006 and 2008 is obviously more of a priority. but you have to balance that with the fact that venezuela supplies us with nearly 10% of our oil needs...what to do, what to say??

on the other side of things- upon hearing these gentle christian remarks hugo chavez did equate robertson to a rabid dog, which i think is entirely appropriate in this case.
to sum up --the majority of religious people or people that profess a belief in a doctrine or faith seem to be sincere hypocrites- how bout that?

the gift

2005-08-14T14:47:00.000-04:00

gift- 'something wondrous produced from nowhere'
where did this habit of gift giving come from? when you think about it, why do we give gifts for special occasions? and what makes an occasion special? is it hallmark or is it tradition? why was i instructed by the big people to never show up at another persons house empty handed?

the story of the three wise men or the magi bearing the gifts of frankincese, myrrh and gold (or golf as is stated in one web site) has been told many times. the etiology of christmas giving stems from pagan roman holidays where gifts were given as strena/etrennes (good luck) and this ritual was usurped by the church and incorporated into religious tradition. personally 'the gift of the magi' by o'henry is one of my favorite and earliest remembered stories from childhood- also 'the ransom of red chief' but thats another post.

in the middle ages gifts were used as political weapons, to forge alliances, or to indicate dominance over another. it allowed nobles to circulate their riches; to strut their stuff as it were. there were numerous opportunities for granting gifts; royalty arriving, agreements signed, basic social interactions. they carried special meanings and spoke to ones aesthetic being
gifts reaffirm cultural, familial, and social bonds. its also quite a kick to figure out what another would like and delightful to receive. it makes everyone feel good and thats pretty cool.

yet to simplify things, when a friend gives a gift that shows that they have actually thought about me, who am i and what gives me pleasure; that they have taken the time and made the effort, is a gift in itself and for that i am appreciative and truly touched.

another interpretation; gift-'a talent, endowment, aptitude, or bent' and some people have a gift for giving....

how could i forget?

2005-08-09T19:06:00.000-04:00

my favorite tshirt from ragbrai, 'idaho? no you da ho' and of course, drafting...

play ethic

2005-08-09T17:01:00.000-04:00

..versus the work ethic. much has been made of the proletarian lifestyle, the worker bee, their piousness. as commendable as that is, or as a friend of mine used to say- 'be that as it may'....may i present to you for your viewing pleasure the formerly subversive or submersive play ethic. not intending to overthrow or disable the work ethic but a peaceful coexistence is all that is desired. in the entomological world we never see play . bees playing volleyball? hardly. ants biking? never- although i did see one swimming this morning but that was forced upon him/her as i myself intiated the plunge. however mammals were meant to engage thusly, or else why would the dogs be playing poker? play enhances your entire being. which brings me back to my original thought, head on, full contact with the world. play hard, play well, play often. fight the fear- use everything. as frankie didnt say, 'relax, do it' or as einstein said,'example is not the main thing in influencing others. it is the only thing'....... the influence of delight...

ragbrai musings

2005-08-05T01:21:00.000-04:00

pre ragrai bus ride across iowa to get to our start point at le mars, iowa. aviator, radio, quadman, egg beaters, our magnificent tent, fireworks at night.

1st day-waking at 5am , dressing in the dark,start at 6am, on the road, us the french foreign legion, tandems, recumbents, reverse recumbent-whats with that? team colors, outfits, cotumes, two falls- unclip you moron, butts, quads, the heat, met marion (john wayne)from peachtree city the seinfeld aficionado, dutch town of orange city-popachas, nice people, nice towns, RUMBLES, the heat exhaustion, saved by the kum and go, arrival at sheldon, tried to convince everyone not to shower for the week, "it would be so much more interesting", the infamous beverage tent, jacuzzi without jets? a little too warm-must be the kiddie pool, getting ants, massage in the park with the all iowa massage people, fresh iowan sweet corn, "of course prostitution is good thing, theyre professionals, when youre sick you want a professional and you go to a doctor and when you have certain other needs to be taken care of you want a professional too and thats what they are there for" that night stormbrai-80mph winds, our loyal tent being held down with testosterone, unfortunate death of a rider by tree

2nd day-5am, steves rustling around until they wake alarm, warzone of rained out tents in the am, rainy ride of 85 miles, felt like hail against our bodies, finding flushies anywhere even the nursing homes, CAR UP, roadside signs, kryptonite, teams and mottos, team gourmet, its all about the food, team buff-big ugly fat fellows, team boozehound, team bitch, team piggy, team fart- friends and relatives, team air force, team goat (check out them butts!), its all about the pie, its all about the kybos, its all about the ride, "if you lick it they will come", mr pork chop, reaching the snowflakes of esterville, knee pain, neck pain, sleeping in the gym, spooning, the sleepwalker in his underwear

3rd day-5am, "git-r-done", leaving esterville and the snowflake stepford children singing christmas carols and playing with fake snowballs on the front lawn-eerie! riding with jonas, windy ride, intro to farm boy burritos, walking tacos, bison sticks, pie, skelaxin, chondroitin, ibuprofen, tylenol and diet coke, the iowa massage people, many thanks to ashley, chad and josef, twinkie on a stick the most disgusting thing in the world and i have eaten bugs, algona pow museum, "iowa, can you smell it?"

4th day-did i mention 5am? blink and you miss oak lake, titonka where pam finds a free shampoo, lost jonas on purpose, finding my email in the hair salon of course, third and last fall at crystal lake where i stayed on the ground for spite and thanks to the 6 air force guys who picked me up, met sean from upper east side, 1st day of decent weather, interesting showers that you can see into from the waterslide, hmmm, kettle corn, riders for the flag band who have played for the white house and arlington and us!, super good, sung us to sleep, quote of the day- "i broke my dick"-nuff said

5th day-5am,yeah still, riders for the flag stopping en masse to relieve themselves along the cornfields of iowa, "watch out for those corn snakes!", iowa fields and farm lands and no its not all flat, toilet paper rolls all set up by the side of the road, "bike naked", derek with his ipod playing queen helping me thru the hills, "i had to downshift on a downhill" mayor of riceville hands me an icepop which i drop, larry in saratoga wearing his peta shirt-people for eating tasty animals, getting a bike tatoo, amish ice cream, jail house showers, fresh strawberry shortcake, the awesome evening show of dean frazen- the mathematican/juggler/ragbrai biker, butt chafe, not pretty

6th day- 5am whatever, easiest day, only 60 miles, 1st stop in protivin where adeline a elderly lady gets knocked unconscious from a tandem going too fast downhill into town, lying in the street with blood on the street, initial few seconds no breathing, at the least a cracked skull, tandem people not to be found, what the hell? there are no absolutes, im so naive, day 3 of the bald guy carrying the 7 foot cross and the coleman cooler, whats the point?, wwjd, roadside proselytizing re abortion, hills and more hills, "im on your tail steve" mail order brides, teaching others to give a damm, siblings, go figure, body glide, the six 3 stooges, BEEKMANS!

7th day- yeah early start, hills, hills, and more of them there hills,people dropping by the roadside, power onward pam, st. olaf, UFF-DA, norwegian for oh fuck!or oh damm! last beekmans, last kybo, downhill to guttenberg, drive to dubuque, showers! rafters,
steve, pam, and jonas you rock!!! love you guys, same time next year......
and thanks to brett (you think youre on my hill, youre not on my hill) who will never read this.

insomnia/too much colloid?

2005-07-21T04:37:00.000-04:00

ENTIRETY OF POSSIBILITY-i keep passing that comment written on a bench in central park and i always think how cool it is that someone is out there thinking that way-not the best english but the thought is magnificent. it encompasses all. it allows all. it sets no rules, it includes all options. it reminds me of a precocious (which is how she described herself when i met her) eight year old child i had the fun of taking care of for a year when i was twenty in exchange for room and board. and i guess children are more likely to think in that vein and too bad most of us lose that ability to feel that. because its a great flippin feeling. and having recently seen my 8 year old, now an adult shes still got it....which is nice to see. nice from its middle english roots actually means foolish and it was not so long ago that it was not a very complimentary thing to say. but whats wrong with acting a little foolish from time to time? as long as no one loses an eye, its all good.
last call....

on veut ce que on ne peut pas avoir

2005-07-20T20:52:00.000-04:00

yeah its pretentious but it explains most of life doesnt it? was tempted to a start a long expose but then thank goodness for anyone reading this was called away for a night of imbibition.
sans souci....

bliss

2005-07-19T17:50:00.000-04:00

summer in the city of e.b. white.... today was heavy with humidity and the park was laden with moist people. went for a run -the first in many months. since the injury my training has been abysmal. thanks goodness for friends that call me up to say silly things like-you wanna go running? so off we went. wasnt aware of the heat but trying to be aware of myself and what i can do. after my friend dropped out i continued by myself and as is my recurring habit to do- to try to pass everyone in front of me-silly rabbit- why do you do this? yo no se...but it gives me such a rush to be able to...one after another they fall away and for some reason it feels even better when people then try to pass me and cant and i hear an epithet in my dust. i guess i just answered my own question. know that i am not that great a runner but when motivated i can definitely hold my own as well as someone elses.
tonight, a wondrous, almost pornographic dinner of raw fish at one of the best places in town...ahhh.
i have so much. its insane.

the benighted, the benign, the benevolent

2005-07-18T23:30:00.000-04:00

re: sharing ones mind.....
but some people dont know how to play nice and respect others peoples things so we are hence...
so can one actually delve into the space of others and depart unscathed?
once you have touched the aura of another, arent you both different? changed? adding to the entropy of the milky way...like bumper cars in a primitive sort of way.
and that is such a great word-aura that is--to save you the trouble of looking it up bec most people, i feel dont appreciate the scope of the word-"an invisible breath or emanation. a distinctive air or quality that characterizes a person or things." its etymological latin root meaning gentle breeze. i love words- they can be so sensual, so expressive, so revealing, so comforting. but then to also acknowledge their full range of power --and we all know power can be used for good or evil---they can be so hurtful, so cutting, so spiteful and damaging.
power- "the ability or capacity to perform effectively"...from the latin to be able.
so some people measure their effective performance on their ability to wound or maim another and yet others do not need to have anothers neck under their shoe to feel alive..what is it that separates one from another? i have found there is so much gratutious joy in how my words can make others feel.

how well do you really want to get to know people?

2005-07-17T21:17:00.000-04:00

how intimate do you want to be? blood, saliva, bile, feces, vomit, urine, semen, sputum, tears...how much can people emit from their bodies and still retain a sense of dignity? ankle deep in it all- spattered and pulled in all directions.
esp the tears....yanking viscerally at you...triste, muy triste...
so what next? like the godfather- everytime i try to get out they pull me back in-
unaccessible by no one except myself- the mind is a splendorous thing, so private, so decadent, so mine.
free reign.
i shall have to ponder the possibilities of the next adventure.

reminder: have fun with your blog

2005-07-16T23:58:00.000-04:00

recently reminded that this was something i felt was cathartic to do ...so i am back on track.
socrates said the unexamined life is not worth living- one of my favorites.
so i am examining -isnt that strange? you would think i would have it all figured out by now.
or at least finished the exam part and moved on to the lab work.
friends- so great- i would have drowned many times over if not for them. different crossroads of my life they have helped me with everything from analgesic and amensia to zero gravity and i really cant think of any other z words right now except zoology and as good as my friends are i dont think anyone has ever assisted me with that...so i guess that will have to remain unsaid or unwritten for now. i am rambling but i guess thats what a blog is for- a refuge for the sleep deprived-muy casada. will try to form this into a coherent thought tomorrow....shout out to d.g

lemonsqueeze

2005-06-09T12:38:00.000-04:00

its a long long trip to china and back and a real bummer if you have no where to stay once youve arrived....to all of those who have put me up and put up with me- hail- you have my gratitiude